Austinites Fear EP takeover

(originally posted on The Avocadoan on May 30, 2008. All names have been excluded to protect the passive-aggressive.  Not intended to be taken seriously.  It's a satire.) 

Recent population surveys have shown that Austin has experienced a surge in young people from El Paso who have relocated to the area.  Austin is feeling the impact of the supposed “brain drain” that has caused some of El Paso’s young cosmopolitans (YoCo’s) to move to the city that offers more job opportunities, a better art scene, and IKEA.  Although the El Paso movement is nothing new, Austinites are becoming increasingly focused on the differences between themselves and their west Texas neighbors.

Unlike the recent immigration debate consuming the nation with regard to Mexican immigrants, Austin has no qualms about excluding El Pasoans from coming to Austin.  Austin citizens have voiced numerous complaints against people from El Paso and plan to take action to strictly prohibit further migration from El Paso, which may include having members surround the city and telling El Paso drivers the city is closed.  Those who are already in Austin can stay as long as they retake their license photo wearing a University of Texas at Austin (UT-Austin) shirt and/or attend one Longhorn football game.

Among the many complaints, one Austin man said, is the language barrier. “I’m tired of my pronunciation being corrected every time I say names of streets, like San Jacinto and Guadalupe. It’s not my fault I pronounce those streets how the English alphabet intended!"

Such intended exclusion would cost Austin millions as most El Pasoans are willing to undertake jobs Austin hipsters don’t want, like those in the state government, business and accounting, or as Dell representatives.  Some are also concerned with student influx to the city’s schools and universities. “They have schools in El Paso don’t they? It should be up to El Paso to make sure their facilities are good enough so they don’t come over here. Why don’t they build their own law school?” said one UT-Austin law student who is the sole Austin native in her class.

Other complaints involve colloquial conversations. One El Paso native, who has been living in Austin for the past 4 years, says he’s tired of being asked about his high school years in El Paso. 

“I’m sick and tired of hearing ‘Oh, you’re from El Paso too? You went to Eastwood?! What year? Do you know my cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s sister?’ “  He said he’s still proud of his El Paso heritage but believes the amount of people from El Paso in Austin has reached its limit and no further entrance should be allowed.

El Pasoans have not remained silent against such complaints. Recently, a group of University of Texas at El Paso (UTEP) alumni rented a party boat and invaded Lake Travis to make their presence known among other Austinites, holding banners that said things like “Our beer is no different than yours!” and “It’s an El Paso thing!”